i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
