Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
