so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I could make wine with my vomit
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
