this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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