I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
