Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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