That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
