do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
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we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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