Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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