God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.