i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
