this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
