theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
