im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
