Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
