it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
