what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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