I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
