I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
