If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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