I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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