you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
