Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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