I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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