she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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