Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
