You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
