my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
