i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
