Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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