hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
