i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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