He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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