Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
