and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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