just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
