My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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