I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
