just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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