I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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