Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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