I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
