When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
