It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
