Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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