you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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