it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
