I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
