why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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