You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
