As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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