Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
