Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
