rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
