I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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