my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's just like the Real World with babies
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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