DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
