Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
