Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
