Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
